Helping to Ease the Heart Ache

A friend of mine, who I've known since jr high, recently lost his baby son. My heart literally aches for his family and their loss. I can't even imagine the pain they are going through. I am determined to help in any little way that I can.

Please check out their story, http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/help-with-medical-expenses/60747 . Spread the word and donate however you can.

Alex, your family will be in our prayers. I know that you will be blessed in this time of immense grief. So many people love and care for you.

More Babies

As most of you know, I have always wanted to be a mom. That was my dream job.

When I was little I was determined that I would have twins. Now, we'll have to wait and see I guess. I swear there was something in the water at my high school tho because it seems like so many of my friends and old classmates have little twinners running around now.

I also have a lot of friends (and classmates) that have struggled or are still struggling with infertility. This thought is always in the back of my mind. I don't think it will ever leave.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about Hiccup becoming a big brother, and trying to figure out if and when to start trying for another baby.

*Will it take another two years (or even more) for me to get pregnant?

*If I get pregnant right away will I be OK with the age distance between my kids?

*What if my pregnancy is completely different and I feel miserable? How will I continue to be a good mom and take care of Hiccup?

*Can I deal with the emotional stress of trying for another baby?

*How will we as a family adjust to another baby?

*We still have medical bills from Hiccup's delivery, and we're going to add another one?

*What will we do about daycare?

I know that our family is not yet complete. I know that we will be blessed with a baby at exactly the right time, whether we realize it or not. It will be a faith-testing, patience-trying process; before, during, and after the pregnancy.

Hiccup is growing up so quickly! It makes me so excited for all the new stages and milestones to come, but it makes me miss and yearn for that baby stage again when all he needed was me.

happy happy mother's day

This Mother's Day I was asked to speak in my home ward growing up, to talk about my mom, and my thoughts on being a new Mom.

I decided to share the majority of my talk with you, seeing as I already took the trouble to write it down and then type it up. Hopefully it makes sense, as I took out some of my notes for actually giving the talk. I cried as I wrote it, and I cried as I practiced it and timed how long it took me to read it. 

*Today is a particularly special mother’s day; it is my first mother’s day with Hiccup and Nanny’s first official mother’s day as a grandma. I’m going to start with a quote I found by Stephanie Precourt, “There will be so many times you feel like you’ve failed. But in the eyes, heart, and mind of your child you are supermom.”

Now I’d like to tell you a little bit about my mom. Some things most of you know, and some things are hidden gems that I love about her. My mom is giving. She never thinks twice about coming to the rescue or helping out in a tough situation. I know many of you have seen her at your doorstep holding a pizza she’s brought for your dinner. Other times it’s a note and a treat to let you know she’s been thinking of you. More often than not you've been in her prayers and she has called your name in to the temple. My mom is a sports fan. When she watches her kids play or perform she gets really nervous and is very superstitious. She is often seen pacing at the ball park or with every finger crossed as she sits and watches. She claps the loudest of almost everyone I know, and has been known to pull a muscle or two in celebrating a good play. She is a sucker for the underdog and loves inspirational sports stories and movies. Some of her favorite foods are chips and salsa, anything marshmallow or coconut, and popcorn. She has gotten our family hooked on watching the Amazing Race and I think she should send in a video to be a contestant. We have a joke in our family that Nanny is unaware of how attracted to animal print she is. Whenever we find a leopard print pillow or zebra print jacket we send her a picture of it and ask her if she wants it. She answers to many different names, but in our house she’s either Bob or Nanny. Once, when Kayd was little, he had a stuffy nose and kept asking for Bob instead of Mom. I made sure that name stuck. Nanny came about when Zia was over at our house everyday and we needed something easier for her to call my mom. Now, that’s what Hiccup will call her too.

M. Russell Ballard said, “There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply.” Besides the physical and personal traits we've received from our mom, Kayd and I both have her nose, Kyle and my mom share more reserved and tender-hearted personalities, and we all get really ornery when we haven’t eaten, I know that my mom cares about us by the things she has taught us and the example she is for us. She taught us the importance of going to church each week by taking us by herself when we were young. She also taught me how important it is to watch your little brother during sacrament so you don’t have chase after him after he’s crawled up to the front of the chapel. My mom is one of the most thoughtful people I know, and she learned that from her mom. That is one thing I've tried to live up to and emulate the example of those wonderful women. She taught us to be patient and to never give up. I remember standing with my parents and my husband to be in the celestial room of the Logan temple after receiving my endowments. I said to my mom as I gave her a hug, “I didn't think we’d all ever be here.” I’m grateful to her for always believing in people and following her dreams. My mom sees the best in people. This is another quality she has learned from my grandma. They are always quick to give the benefit of the doubt and to offer second chances.

Nanny taught us how to be silly and have fun. I’m pretty sure a few of you have caught us dancing in the aisles of the grocery store or seen us all giggling while we’re out to eat. There have been many occasions where we laugh ourselves silly at random things that we've said or done. She is pretty adventurous. She is always up for trying something new and she really wants to go skydiving. Nanny is very competitive, especially when it comes to playing 31 or slugbug. She taught us the great importance of knowing a variety of music when we play name that tune on car rides. She also taught us the importance of learning people’s names, so that we know to call the new guy Joaquin, instead of Jew-a-quin.

Ever since I was little, I knew that I wanted to be a mom. I played with my baby dolls and played mommy to my younger brothers. Becoming a mom didn't come as quickly as I’d hoped, but I spent last mother’s day with a baby growing in my belly. David O McKay said, “Next to eternal life, the most precious gift that our Father in Heaven can bestow upon man is His children.” And Neal A Maxwell said, “God trusts women so much that He lets them bear and care for His spirit children.” Those two thoughts mean so much to me. Every day I am grateful that my Heavenly Father trusted me with Hiccup. Having him in my life is an absolute dream come true. He is everything I could have hoped for and so much more. When they first handed me my little boy I didn't cry or get overly emotional. I just felt such a sense of overwhelming peace. Like this was the moment I had been waiting for, for my life to finally make sense. I didn't know how I had gone so long without having him in my life. I remember being alone with him in our hospital room the day he was born. I held him, and looked at him and was just in awe. Those first few days with newborn Hiccup were some of the most spiritual moments I have ever had. Heaven was so close to us and I know we had so many angels watching over our new little family.

The moment a child is born the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. Last month I had the opportunity to be there for the birth of my best friend’s baby. Seeing Nadia hold Liam in her arms for the first time, seeing that light in her eyes change, and the mama in her take over was something incredible to witness. (A post for another time)

 Being a mama has taught me so many lessons and I’m still so new at it. Linda Wooten said, “Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had and dealing with fears you didn't know existed.” I have experienced my heart being so full that I’m sure it will burst. I have felt myself evolve as a person and sink into the role of being a mom. I never knew the love of being a parent could be so profound and possible. That little part of you is like your heart walking around outside of your body. When he gets excited, so do I. When he is sad or sick my heart aches for him and I want to do anything possible to make him feel better. One thing that has become so apparent to me as a new mom is the crying. When I was younger I used to think my mom was a little crazy for crying at the hallmark commercials or the patriotic performance before the start of a ballgame. Now, I know that it just comes with the territory of being a mom. I cried when Hiccup said his first word and first climbed up the stairs. I cry at commercials and watching the Olympics, and I’m crying now in front of all of you.

Hiccup has taught me so many things and he is still so small. He has taught me to laugh at his cute faces at 3:00 in the morning, he has taught me that just when I thought I had finished cleaning or baby proofing there is always a new mess to be made and something to be broken. He has taught us to get excited over the littlest of things: funny faces he makes, cute sneezes, new foods he tries, new noises and of course the bigger developmental milestones like rolling over, crawling, and walking. He has taught me how to budget and to rely on the blessings of paying my tithing. He has taught me to be ever prayerful and thankful for his health and safety. He has taught me to be creative in my parenting. He has taught me how to rediscover things. I see a laundry basket; he sees a cave or a push car. I see a drawer full of pots and pans, he sees hours of noisy entertainment. He has taught me to be amazed at the life we have and the plan of salvation. He has taught me to truly appreciate my sleep.

One of the biggest things Hiccup has helped me to realize is how amazing my mom is. I never realized how much my mom did for us growing up, and now that I have a little insight to her workload, I don’t know how she did it. There’s something about having a baby that makes you immediately need and want your mom with you. Nanny was with us at the hospital when I was admitted and stayed into the early morning until Hiccup was born. She brought us food, and goodies, and watched the baby so we could go out and do exciting things like grocery shopping. I am very grateful to have her as my mom and to have her as a grandma to Hiccup. She has loved him from the minute she met him, even though she admittedly wasn't in love with his name at first. Hiccup has a special relationship with his Nanny. She is good for a snuggle and a nap, a walk around the block, and always a song or dance for entertainment. He loves to go to Nanny’s house to play. He gets to play with the blinds, the tunnels made from chairs and the coffee table, and the dog’s dishes. Nanny is a true grandma and is amazed by each new thing Hiccup does and brags about him to anyone who will listen. Some people are destined to become certain things, and Nanny was meant to be a grandma. 

In having Hiccup, the relationship between my mom and I has strengthened so much. We talk everyday, sometimes several times. I’m always asking for her advice and she’s always asking how her baby is doing. Growing up, I sometimes took for granted having my mom in my life. I thought that I could handle things just fine. I think that’s a teenager thing.  You don’t realize how much your mom does for you, the family, the house, without ever stopping to relax, take a break, and do something for herself. Getting married and moving away from home opened my eyes a little bit to all the things a wife does and all the new responsibilities there are, but after welcoming a baby into our life I have such a new found respect and appreciation for what my mom has done and still continues to do.

My mom has had her fair share of struggles and trials in her life. As a mother she’s experienced a true nightmare. (Another post for another time) But she has handled each trial with grace and strength. She has continued to be a wonderful example to those around her. She exemplifies faith and patience and understanding.

I have a good life. It may not seem exciting or grand, but it’s mine and I am grateful for it. I have many things to be grateful for but today I am especially grateful for my mom and the things she has taught me, and for my little boy and the enormous blessing he is in my life. I am grateful to know that I get to be with my family forever.

I am thankful for all the moms who have had an influence on me in my life; whether they were a friend or family member, a neighbor or a teacher. I have learned something from them that has helped to make me who I am today. I am grateful for this ward and for the chance I have to be here today and gush about my mom and my little boy.*

I spent the day with my family. We had lunch and visited and opened presents. Casey and Hiccup got me a massage gift certficate (hooray!) and some treats. It was a good day spent with my family. I sure love my boys.

THINGS NO ONE TALKS ABOUT {Miscarriage}

This is a difficult and painful subject so it's no wonder that most people shy away from talking about it.

My heart aches for anyone who has experienced miscarriage on any level. It has to be one of the worst feelings in the world to be so excited for a little one to grow inside you and be welcomed into your family, only to have that dream interrupted by a nightmare.

My experience with miscarriage isn't the usual one. We had been married a little over a year. I wasn't on any sort of birth control, my cycles were unpredictable. It wasn't until I got an enormous stabbing pain that I was clued in to what was going on with my body. Because my cycles were so random, I didn't in fact know that I was (about) six weeks pregnant.

I am thankful everyday that I didn't see a positive pregnancy test weeks before. Had I known that I was pregnant this would have been 100 times more devastating than it already was. My body was a wreck. The pain radiated from my back to my stomach, from my ribs to my thighs. Relaxing was impossible. I have no other way to describe it without going into graphic detail.

Although we weren't planning on having a baby anytime soon, and to find out that I was pregnant would have been a giant (but exciting) surprise, knowing that the exact opposite was happening was beyond difficult. Sometimes you don't truly realize how much you want something until you're told you can't have it.

I received a blessing of physical and spiritual comfort. I cried off and on for about a week. I prayed a lot. I have known several people in my life who have experienced the loss and suffering of a miscarriage, some of them have had to experience it multiple times. I pray for them. I ache for them. I wish there was something I could to to ease their pain.

Sometimes I still get sad when I think about it. I had a few scares when I was first pregnant with Hiccup that made me panic. I am lucky and grateful that I went on to have a healthy pregnancy with him and that he is in my life today.

I don't think you can fully comprehend the empathy of a miscarriage unless you yourself have been there. Even my experience doesn't allow me to fully comprehend the immense sense of loss that comes along with it. I kept it close to me for a long time and still haven't told many friends or family about it. I've had to heal and deal with it in my own time and in my own way.

Pregnancy is a miracle. It is faith building and it is humbling. Miscarriage is devastating; but it is also faith building and humbling. In my life I have learned one thing: Everything happens for a reason. Things will work out.