THINGS NO ONE TALKS ABOUT {TTC}

That's 'trying to conceive' for those who haven't ever had to know or stress about that term.

I wish that getting pregnant was something I was talented at. So far, it hasn't been in the cards for me. I was off bc for almost two years before I got pregnant with Hiccup.

I am among several women I know that struggled to get pregnant. Even knowing that so many others were in my same situation, it still felt as if the whole world was getting pregnant before me.

I started a journal in the summer of 2011. The first page reads "This is a story about our family: deciding to expand and how it continues to grow". I wrote down my thoughts of first deciding to have a baby, trying so hard to get there, and how Hiccup has grown and changed our lives since his arrival. I still write in this journal once a week. It has turned into a family journal of sorts and I hope to write in many more and leave them for my posterity once I am gone.

I often go back and read what I wrote over a year ago to see how my life has changed. I wrote this in late September 2011. "I lost it a few times, cried so hard I almost threw up. I called into work sick, didn't get out of bed all day. I was so depressed that things weren't going according to how I planned and wanted. It was so hard to see so many other women around me that were pregnant. It seemed like everyday I heard of someone else who was expecting. I took this very personally that I was struggling with something I wanted so badly and for such a long time. Why were they more fit to be a mom than I was? What were they doing right that I wasn't? How could teenage girls and other women who didn't want/were preventing having kids be getting pregnant and not me?

"I cried a lot. I felt like I had no one to talk to. I didn't want my family to know we were struggling and I didn't want advice on 'what we really should be doing' or 'what we were doing wrong'. I tried to talk to Casey about it but he didn't quite get why I was so upset. I did endless research on the internet about what might help our situation. In the end all it did was drive me more crazy and made me more upset and depressed."

I read that and feel sad. I wish I would have had some sort of outlet, someone to talk to in depth who knew exactly what I was going through. Someone that didn't necessarily have to solve my problems, but just listen to them, care about them. I did discover a few friends who had documented their journeys on their blogs and reading their words made me feel more normal, some days even comfortable, knowing that I wasn't alone. I am grateful for them and their choice to share their struggles.

Trying and struggling to conceive isn't something that is generally discussed in open company, sometimes even in close or private company. Women who are struggling with this need a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on. Of course they want their struggle fixed, but they don't want useless advice on how to do it. Unless you are a doctor, don't tell them what they should or should not be doing. What worked for you, someone else has tried dozens of times with no result.

Everyone is different. Every child is meant to join a family at a specific time. It is hard to realize that. It is hard to remain faithful and to know that everything happens for a reason.

I am very grateful to have carried Hiccup in my belly and that he is here and happy and healthy. I realized a dream I feared would never come true. He might be the only baby I get to experience this with. I may have a struggle with getting each of my kids here. I don't know what my future holds.

I do know that every baby is a blessing and a miracle.  Some miracles just take a little more patience than others.